We all admire the rebel. The Rebel who defies conventional norms of society – one who doesn’t need anybody. He’s not married, he shuns parties, he’s on his own and that’s the way he likes it. But fast forward to age 80 and that Rebel might not be so cool or happy, if he’s even alive. And if he is, he might not be in the best shape, mentally or physically. Studies have shown that those who live the longest and happiest are those who surround themselves with meaningful relationships. A German forester found that even trees have social networks. It’s not the quantity of these relationships that matter, though; it’s the depth and realness of them. Individuals who live the longest, healthiest, and happiest (think Blue Zone) don’t just eat well; they have genuine relationships where they can count on the other to be there when the going gets tough. Even Jim Stark and Danny Zako had their crew. So relax with the fad diets and self-help books, and pay attention to your relationships.
Living the Good Life
Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger heads up a 75-year old study on adult development. The study shows that the one thing that differentiates those who are healthier, cognitively sharper, and live longer at 80 are those who report the greatest satisfaction in their relationships at 50. It turns out good, close relationships create a buffer and protect our bodies and brains.
It’s the quality, not the quantity
1. Drop the cellphone
We often take our relationships for granted. The person is front of us, so that must mean we are hanging out. But are we really? Or is Netflix on and our iPads in front of our faces? Make it a point to put away all electronics and start leaning into your relationship with that person next to you. Have some coffee. Put a puzzle together. Take a walk in silence together. Deepen the relationships you have with gratitude, patience, and time.
2. Remove toxic or stale connections
We all have those people in our lives we like but don’t like (this goes for men and women). We’re in a relationship with these peoples for various reasons – history together, convenience. Yet these “frenemies” likely do not have our best interest at heart. We know who they are. Or perhaps we might think we’re doing the “right” thing by staying a relationship we know doesn’t make us happy or give us satisfaction. Yet in fact, we end up doing ourselves and that other person more harm than good. It is more selfish to stay in a relationship to make ourselves feel better than to allow that relationship go, as it has likely run its course. It’s time to detox.
3. Keep a crew
We all need a crew. A few individuals who you can call up at 3 in the morning if you need, or who will attend a Celine Dion concert with you even though they hate Celine Dion (and you beg profusely and bribe with candy) because they care about you. Make sure that you have a crew at work (support needed there) and at home (support needed there). If you are moving to a new place or retiring, remember that you have to put the effort in to find a new crew. But find you must.
4. Make amends
Most of us have at least one relationship that just isn’t great. It’s one that we wish was great (not the same as a toxic or stale one), but for whatever reason, it is. Perhaps it is a brother we wish we were closer to, or a best friend who drifted away after a silly disagreement. These are the relationships we think about on melancholy days and know that we will regret not saying something on our deathbeds. Perhaps it’s best to swallow our pride and step up to reach out and make amends. The past is past. Consider all the benefits (including your health) by restoring a relationship.
5. Get the mojo back
Sometimes we’re in relationships so long we forget that they were once fun and magical. We get stuck in the day-to-day that we go through the same motions day in and out. As relationships lengthen and deepen, so can that excitement of newness decline. It is therefore critical for us to continuously put the verve back into our meaningful relationships. Perhaps it’s traveling to a new place both of you have never been before or doing something scary (skydiving, anyone?) Whatever it is, get your hearts beating again, get that adrenaline going, and do it together.