Bite Me is a special 14-installment series based on an undercover stint at a supermarket to draw out lessons on how to better relate to challenging colleagues in the workplace and how to be a better colleague.

These “profiles” are based on real people who wanted free food.

It’s cheeky and deliciously honest.

To read the others:
Introduction
The Humble
The A-Hole
The Slob
The Negative
The Snob
The Mute
The Righteous
The Culturally Insensitive
The Oblivious
The Frazzled

The Hanger-On-er
honor personal space and time

The Personality

Everyone dreads the Hanger-On-er. The Hanger-On-er comes up to me and greets me in a friendly manner. They stay. And stay. They tell me about how they lost their dog last week, only to find them standing in the yard of their neighbor two houses down with their neighbor’s poodle. You know, the neighbor with the arbor in the front and who just finished remodeling the front porch and they….

While I nod, eyes glazing, hoping they will stop, the Hanger-On-er will then lean over, way into my personal space. I literally lean backwards – any normal person would read this body language as “back off, buddy.”

But not the Hanger-On-er. They lean even more forward and tell me about their herniated disc. I’m captivated, not by his charm, but because I can’t go anywhere. I met them 29 seconds ago. I don’t want to hear about their son’s issues or their physical status. I just want them to go away. On good days, a colleague will notice and come over to rescue me, or if the store is busy, I happily turn my attention to other customers. On bad days, when it’s quiet, I’m stuck.

And it’s terrible.

It’s Not Me, It’s You….

The Hanger-On-er is the one in the office that everyone tries to avoid. The one who stands at the water cooler who will launch into a diatribe. They don’t mean ill. They just seem so desperate for company that they will talk to you. For a very, very long time.

It seems that the Hanger-On-er also skipped the lesson in personal space. They like to lean over to talk to you, like they’re sharing a secret, only it’s neither a secret nor appropriate in the office. They like to “talk close,” and they typically doesn’t realize that the other person is leaning backwards to create some distance, even if the other person literally has backed himself up against the wall.

Everyone tries to avoid eye contact with the Hanger-On-er. They don’t get invited much to after work happy hours or a lunchtime run. Not being invited to these outside-the-office gatherings means that they don’t get clued into the office dynamics that are so important to truly understanding how an office works.

• Set boundaries. In attempts to be nice, we sometimes just nod our heads and allow the Hanger-On-er to hand on. We then get frustrated and end up being not so nice. To avoid bad feelings all around, set boundaries. Be explicit about how much time you have, i.e. I’m sorry, but I have 5 minutes to chat. What’s up?
• Interrupt. Sometimes, interrupting is the best way to avoid oversharing. Politely find a break in the conversation, pause, and just point out that you are not comfortable hearing too much personal information or that you have to get some work done.
• Add humor. The Hanger-On-er isn’t a bad person – they just want friends. Including some humor can work in the right situations to point out that you have already heard more than your share – and that you are not ready for more, i.e. boy, you’re back! Some new update about your porch? Would love to hear about all the new colors, but I really have a deadline.

It’s Me…

• Don’t overshare. This is the office, not a therapist’s office (unless, of course, it is). You can share what happened over the weekend if it’s short and funny, but don’t overshare with details or something so personal that it is awkward for others to hear. If you have friends in the office, save the gossiping and sharing for lunchtime or after work.
• Learn small talk. Small talk doesn’t come easily to everyone. But practice by making small talk when shopping or running errands. Learn to keep it apolitical, non-religious, friendly, and light. Small talk is a necessary skill in many networking events, where your first impression may be your last.

• Keep your distance. Don’t lean too close. Please. Respect personal spaces. While this may have different meanings depending on which culture or country, default on the safe side and keep an arm’s length. You don’t need to be smelling what the other person had for breakfast that day. If the other person starts to lean backwards, you know you too far and you need to pull back.